Make up moments

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Until about ten years ago I’d never really worn make up at all. Then I acquired a few bits and wore it occasionally when I went out. The reason I gave was that I was allergic to most makeup and my skin was too sensitive. In truth these were excuses. I didn’t like myself enough at that point to make the effort to look good. I didn’t think I deserved to look nice and I didn’t want to be considered attractive by other people.

Since I came out on here over three months ago things couldn’t be more different. I’ve felt so much more confident and happier and I am actually starting to wear make up, not just a little bit occasionally but actually properly and regularly. Now I am certainly not saying that I need makeup to feel good about myself, quite the opposite. Because I like myself I think I deserve to look nice and I like the way I look when I wear makeup.

Ive actually had several people compliment me for the way my make up looks! Yes me, who didn’t have a clue how to do more than put on mascara! I’ve spent more money on makeup and beauty products in the last three months than I think I have done in the rest of my life lol.

I like experimenting with different looks and colours and products. I like learning how to get better at something. I like how I look both with and without makeup on. Makeup up is most definitely a happy little moment for me now!

H.A.P.P.Y.

Happy. A small word to describe a big feeling. Today I feel happy. In fact I have felt happy basically every day since June 12th. You may wonder why I know the date. Well it was the date that I took a deep breath, felt the fear and did it anyway. June 12th was when I finally came out via this blog and the post called ‘This is me.’ And you all reacted in such an amazingly positive way. You have no idea how you have changed my life.

I never realised that a blog post could have such a massive effect on my whole life. Since then it’s as if a weight has lifted. A weight that I didn’t even realise I was carrying. I feel different. I haven’t had a single anxious day since then. Not one. And I’ve struggled with anxiety since I was a teenager. That’s a whole month with no anxiety.

Several people have commented that I’m like a different person, especially at work. I went out with my work friends and danced til the early hours (took me a couple of day s to recover lol but hey) and I loved it. I chat to people at lunchtime. I no longer feel grumpy and want to snap at people in the morning. I want to be sociable. I actively seek out people to chat to at lunch time. I chat to my friends about crushes, make up, tv etc. all normal things I know but not for me til now. I even message them out of work – something I would never have previously done. I used to keep myself separate. I went to the pub with them after work and felt accepted and included. So much love for my work friends right now.

I crack jokes, sure I’ve had frustrating times too but nothing really seems to bother me too much or for too long. And I’ve been sleeping – not perfectly but a damn sight better than before. I even ordered myself some make-up. I will confess I’ve rarely bought myself make-up before. Most of what I have has been presents.

And the biggest thing of all for me. I don’t dislike myself anymore. Sure I could do with losing some weight but hey so can most of us! I went out and felt good about how I looked. I feel comfortable with who I am and what I am. I’m happy. IMG_1345

A strange feeling …

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Since my last blog post and everyone’s amazing positivity and support something strange has happened. I have felt an overwhelming lightness and happiness that I’ve never really felt before. I feel free and as if nothing in the world can bring me down. I literally feel like you could throw anything at me and I’d be like “oh right, ok”, which is so not how I usually am! Usually I am little miss stressy and everything bothers me but not the last couple of weeks!

I tried to put my feelings into words and although it’s not really a poem here are my thoughts :

Happiness is the arms of friendship wrapped around me

It’s a grin so wide your face hurts

Happiness is confidence and laughter

It is a carnival of noise and colour

Happiness walks taller with a spring in its step

It is a celebration of fireworks

Happiness wants to shout from the rooftops

It is sparkly, loud and comfortable

Happiness is a riot of vivid colours.

It is right up in the clouds and carefree

Long may Happiness last;

 

This is Me

As I’m not quite sure how to start this post I’m just going to go for it. I’m gay. There I said it. It’s taken me a long time to feel comfortable with who I am and I’m sure this has contributed to my years of anxiety and depression.

I first knew I was ‘different’ when I was about 14. Everyone was talking about fancying boys and I just didn’t. The only idols I had were girls. Mainly from Neighbours and Home and Away! I didn’t even know there were options not to like boys then.

By the time I got to university (unbelievably twenty years ago now!) I knew the word for how I felt and I told a few people how I felt – we are no longer in contact which pretty much says it all. So I learned to keep quiet and just to go along with it when people talked about boys and later men they fancied.

Then in my twenties I tried again I told someone I thought I might be gay… and it wasn’t a disaster. But by then I was so caught up in the throws of my anxiety that I was terrified of being judged and being unable to cope.

Fast forward to now. I have a circle of amazing friends who just accept me for who I am. I went to pride with a friend from work and loved it. I can chat about girls in the staff room and am (almost) comfortable with it.

So here I am, every rainbow coloured, pink and sparkly, girl loving bit of me! Take me or leave me, your  choice but I think I am finally happy with who I am and I’m proud. IMG_1103